Fading?
by smee-chan
Summary: *Cid/Vincent* With their forced companionship over will their relationship end too? Cid looks back on the moments that define Vincent to him.


Fading?

Thanks to Wannon for editing. 

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**~ Fading ~**

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"So, where are we all headed?"

Cloud looked uncomfortable."I was thinking of heading back with Tifa," he said.

Tifa nodded happily, impervious to Cid's demeanour.Her arm was linked with Cloud's, although that looked more at her instigation than his.

Vincent didn't answer, or even look at his allies.He walked off, obviously prepared to leave._Damn cold fish, isn't even gonna say goodbye, Cid thought bitterly._

"Where the fuck you off to?"He shouted after him.Vincent didn't look back, but his answer cut cleanly through the air."I have fulfilled my purpose, now I must pay the price."

_Defeating Sephiroth was his purpose?"Hold up a sec there vampy, you ain't leaving without a proper goodbye!"His teammates reactions were lost on him; Vincent was the important one.__Didn't any of it mean anything to him?_

_ _

~ * ~

It all happened so quickly.The way our team formed.A band of misfits tied together through our hatred for Shinra and our desire to 'save the world.'Rebels, outcasts, sympathizers and exiles bound to defeat the greatest general the Planet has ever known.

And somehow, in the middle of the fighting – both internal and external – I met Vincent.And I ain't talking about your 'how-do-you-do-pleased-to-meet-you' type deal.I _met Vincent._

Within our team there were always people that related better… or worse.Sure, we all got on enough not to kill each other, although there were some close moments with Barret and Cait Sith… You'd think Aeris and Tifa woulda had issues, them both being in love with that spiky-ass kid, but they got on fine.Best of friends they were, most of the time.

_ _

We all had issues with Yuffie at one time or another.

"Yuffie, where's my fucking Materia?"

"Zounds! My Materia is gone! Yuffie!"

"Foo'! What you be doing with my Materia!?'

You get the picture.She's a nice kid.Tough.I might even like her a bit if she didn't keep doing those damn fool things.Vincent for one never fully forgave her for the whole mess in Wutai.He holds a grudge well does our Vincent.

Nanaki makes good conversation, bit too highbrow for me.It's funny how quickly you get used to a fucking lion beast talking to ya.

The one person I really got on with though, was the cold, depressing, and sometimes downright sulky 'monster.'Vincent.He listened to me, I think.He never answered.Not, as some supposed because he was cold, or because he didn't care, nor because he had nothing to say.

Hell, the guys been frozen or asleep or some shit for over 30 bloody years, do you think he feels comfortable talking with us?Half the crap we're going on about doesn't mean shit to him and the rest of it he's too bloody shy to comment on. 

'Stern and upright man of mystery."Read that line in one of them tabloids.Bullshit!He's some poor guy who got burned by a woman and then _experimented on by her boyfriend!Then, he wakes up 30 years down the line.The woman's son is an insane murderer trying to kill the human race, the woman herself is missing, presumed dead and the boyfriend is alive and well and still up to his damn experiments. _

To top it all off, he has a major guilt complex that the whole thing is his fault and he's gotta pay for it!Not exactly light conversation is it?

We first 'met' in the Shinra basement.He didn't even notice me of course.Too busy talking to Cloud, finding out what Shinra was up to, what he'd missed.He was beautiful.I don't think I ever used that word in relation to a guy before.Beautiful.Pale, dark, deadly but beautiful.

He came with us to 'atone for his sins,' payback Shinra… and Hojo.I truly don't think he woulda gone back to sleep though.For the first time in _decades he saw a living person, had a respite from his nightmares.However much of a monster he __says he is, he is very much human.And we just ain't meant to be alone._

We didn't 'fall in love' or anything like that.We talked.Well, I talked; he listened.

Long nights waiting for dawn.Talking til my throat was raw, just to know I was alive.Sharing my dreams, holding him in his nightmares.I'm his only friend.The only one who knows it all.Even Vincent doesn't realise how much he gives away.Muttered phrases, screamed names divulged in unguarded sleep._I guard his sleep…_

~ * ~

Gold Saucer:Where it all blew up in our faces.

Nothing was the same after that.I really have to see it as the beginning of the end.Not just for Vincent and me either.Cait Sith showed his 'true colours.'That's a bit harsh really, he's a nice guy.He has a shitty job, but he does his best for the people.But that one little action lost him a lot of trust.Cloud, quick to trust, not-so-quick to forgive.And I think he lost Barret forever with that one treacherous action, then he made it worse by threatening Marlene.

I was angry.I remember the anger.Hot, pure and barely controllable.Vincent was too, I could tell by the slight tightening around his jaw, the rigid bearing as he stalked to the hotel.But when we got there it was all anti-climatic.We talked and eventually we grew tired.Vincent said something, I can't even remember what, but he indicated it was time for bed.I could see Tifa and Aeris giving us speculative glances but they couldn't have been more off track.We weren't lovers, not then.

We just enjoyed each other's company.I don't know if that is the right word._Enjoyed.We discussed things, our pasts.We didn't have to be strong.I held him when he had nightmares; he told me my dreams would come true.He talked more when we were together and I swore less.I don't know if we became __more ourselves, or less but when we were together it didn't matter._

When we got to the room, he closed the door.Adding to the speculation no doubt.I said something, asking him if he realised what they were thinking about us.His answer took my breath away.

"Would that be a bad thing?"

It was hesitant, a tone even I had never heard him use before._Does he mean…?_

"No…" I didn't want to commit myself too much when I wasn't sure what he was asking.

"Just for tonight, to make it seem real…"

How could I refuse my beautiful dream?

Afterwards, he admitted I was his first.Not his first ever, but his first man.I found myself wishing that I could say the same.That night he didn't dream… or at least there were no nightmares.And even I, who sleeps well normally, felt more at peace.

After that, nothing was the same.Not for Vincent and me, not for any of us.Everything went downhill from the Gold Saucer. 

~ * ~

Once we reached the Temple of the Ancients, nothing was going to be the same.Cait Sith redeemed himself somewhat.Tseng met his demise there, and Aeris took his death a lot harder then she let on.She said something to me as we made our way through the maze.Something about 'familiar faces twisted by hate.'She was determined to stop it.Stop the hate.Stop Jenova. 

_Her face would become twisted with grief whenever she saw Sephiroth, grief for his lost soul… because it was his mother, not him who inhabited his body.She loved almost too much, because she got hurt so much because of it.I found myself vowing to never love that deeply, because I never wanted to be that hurt.Vows you make by daylight that fade by night._

He retreated from me too, in all ways but that one.As if he too was afraid of pain.I wanted to tell him I loved him, so that it would mean something.But it didn't, not when that was all we had.He wanted it to be that way.Just sex.So no one would be hurt.But we lost the reason behind it with that logic.And I knew that I would be hurt, should it come to that.

There was no time to think, barely enough time to act… just enough time to love.We had our brief moments of pleasure, amidst all the pain. Moments of lust, glimpses of smiles, jokes that only I would laugh at… though I told myself he was laughing inside, and who knows, maybe he was?

~ * ~

After what transpired there, and at the forgotten city it became real.People we loved had died, and if we didn't succeed more people would.There were so many people that I would miss, my town, Shera, and of course my family – retired in Kalm.Vincent though, seemed to have no one, I asked him about it.

"What are you fighting for?"I knew what he'd answer.

"Justice, redemption… atonement."Not always the most original of conversationalists.Or the most uplifting.But that wasn't the answer I was looking for.

"What makes it personal for you, Vincent?"I was almost afraid of the answer.Scared of what it could mean for us.I learnt more about Vincent that night than I had through all our previous weeks together.

He told me exactly what that bastard Hojo did to him.The details of Lucrecia's betrayal.All told in a calm, detached tone with all the guilt placed on himself!

I held him that night, though he tried to pull away.He thought he was a monster… not worthy of my touch. We didn't say 'love'.Not yet.

~ * ~

Even fighting became monotonous.Each battle representing a wall between our goal and us.Enemies, weapons and attacks all blurring into a faceless parade of death and destruction.Would there even be a Planet left to save?And yet, through it all, keeping me sane was my cold-hearted lover.Things stand out in my memories, time when he'd touch me so lightly, just so I'd know he was there.Night spent in his arms, his name on my lips.

Then, there was Space.The great unknown, my other dream… my other love.For the first time since Meteor appeared I felt completely in control, _my rocket was going to save the Planet.Through the power of Science we were facing the Universe in its backyard.Course Vinnie (I'd never call him that to his face) nearly wrecked the moment with his doom 'n' gloom, blabbing on about it being "a long rest" and all that shit.I was too high on the feeling to listen to what anyone else was saying though._

Then came the moment, I was trapped, stuck, dead.With sudden clarity I saw myself through others eyes, through the Planets eyes, through the Universe, and I realised how small and _insignificant I – and my whole world – were.The stupid kid and Vincent wouldn't leave me, even though it was obvious that I wasn't going to be shifted.Course, with Shera's help, I did get out… so I guess I should be grateful that my friends are so stubborn. _

It was magnificent beyond words.I learnt my place in the universe and I was humbled by it.I felt I had to share my vision with everyone, and I knew more than ever that our cause was just. 

And of course, with this new understanding came unwelcome knowledge. You see, I was wrong.All the years I spent blaming Shera when it was _my fault.And she put up with it, because, get this, she __believed in me.Believed in my genius, my dream.She loved me._

I felt this over-whelming sense of guilt.I had stolen her life from her._Years where I treated her like dirt.And still she loved me.Unfailing, selfless devotion to 'The Captain.'What could I do in the face of something so pure?All she wanted was a place among the stars.That's all.A place in my heart._

I had to give her _something, my conscience wouldn't allow for any less._And of course, in my normally brash way, I gave her what I thought she wanted.What my guilt thought was the right thing.

It was mercifully short, and not overly enjoyable, for either of us.And all I could think of was Vincent's red, red eyes and his pale beautiful face.Then she looked right at me and said, "I love you, Cid, I always will."And she told me not to worry, to go, to follow my dream, and somehow I knew she was talking about him.I was _glad to be free, and I just hoped that he'd understand, even if I wasn't sure that I did.The guilt didn't strike me till later.I had wronged her again. _

So all the time I was preachin' the big picture, about not worryin', I was dying inside cos I might have lost him.Sure, I believed everything I was saying, and I had to convince everyone of how important it was, but even as I told the team 'bout space and the sheer _bigness of it all and how the Planet was so __small, at the same time I was talkin' about me… and just hoping that Vincent wouldn't retreat again._

He never mentioned it, and when I tried to explain he looked right at me and told me that I had nothing to explain, that we didn't have that sort of relationship, I could do what, or whom I wanted.That hurt worse then any censure.He cheapened our relationship… **_I cheapened our relationship._**

~ * ~

We came through everything relatively intact, or so I thought.Rebuilt trust.I'd tell him about Shera, and even though he pretended not to listen, I could see that he was.The amazing thing is, I could tell the exact moment when he forgave me, when things went back to normal.Normal as they ever had been anyway.

The middle of one of those 'all or nothing' missions.This one was particularly tense cos the kid was a vegetable and somehow I ended up in charge.We were trying to get some Huge Materia, and save North Corel at the same time.And I got stuck stopping a fucking train!I bluffed my way to the controls and then was faced with the much-more-complex-then-you'd-think task of braking the damn machine.

Vincent looked at me and said something, which went right over the top of my head cos he called me 'Chief'.That was the closest he ever got to a joke.He has _never called me that during sex, or anything else for that matter.I was too busy saving our asses to mention it at the time, and afterwards it seemed too trivial to bring up._

Except for Yuffie of course.She made a point of hasslin' me about it each and every chance she got.Not Vincent though, some things just aren't done.So I had to put up with some pipsqueak calling me 'Chief' in a soft, breezy, put-on voice while Vincent sat there and very casually _smirked._

Sure there were light moments, in between all the doom 'n' gloom and general urgency that Meteor casts upon ya.

~ * ~

Then Cloud told us to go off and find what we were fighting for, or some shit like that.Where was I supposed to go?I guess I coulda made a fly-by-night trip through Rocket Town, course now I guess it'd just be called 'Town', but the only thing that really mattered to me was already with me.

Vincent practically flew off my Highwind.I was almost _scared that he was gonna decide it wasn't his battle and go back to atoning or something._

He proved me wrong again, of course.He just walked off slowly.I wasn't sure if he expected me to follow him, or if he wanted some privacy or what, so I trailed him as far back as I could.I was bloody positive he didn't know I was there til he stopped, turned, looked right where I was hiding and said:

"Cid, you can come out now."

Course I tried to bluff my way out of it, but he just nodded and indicated where I should sit.

"I don't have anywhere to go," he explained the out of it _au natural setting._I hadn't really being paying attention, tryin' to keep track of him, so for the first time I took in the surroundings.Nice.One of those really pretty looking forests that people cut the trees out of and stick lodges in.Here, there was just a pretty dismal looking hovel, but the sheer majesty of the Planet's creation made up for it.

"Makes ya wanna fight for her, don't it?" I said, remembering my vision of the Planet as a child in need of protection.Vincent looked thoughtful.He reached out to touch my face, then he rubbed his hand against the bark of a tree.

"Both of you are perfect," he said, "created through the Planet and sustained by it.Every living thing has an obligation to care and protect for its creator."

I smiled, because _he was so perfect and sincere, but then his expression turned melancholy._"That was my sin," he continued, "I failed in my duty to protect the Planet." _And Lucrecia.The mention of his lost love was silent but obvious._

So what I did seemed obvious, I pulled his face towards me, kissed him on the lips and told him the truth, so long unspoken between us.

"I love you, Vincent."And I meant it.I _loved him, with everything in me.I was fighting for him as much as for the Planet.Because without him the Planet wasn't worth fighting for.I knew that it was selfish but I didn't care.I wanted to tell him that before it was too late, I didn't want to regret not saying anything later._

"I…" He couldn't say it, not then, not there.I silenced him with a kiss and told him that I had wanted to say it, but he didn't have to.He nodded, grateful and I grinned.

"Besides, we both know you do."

He didn't laugh, but I'm sure I saw him smile… a little.

We decided against spending the night in the hovel, it was even more decrepit inside, and Vincent prefers open spaces.Not surprising considering the time he spent in the coffin.

We left before the sun came up that day*, but just before we reached the ship, Vincent stopped short and turned towards me.

"I love you too."The simple statement wasn't in typical Vincent vein, and despite my earlier claim of knowledge I felt myself swept with overwhelming joy._He actually said it!I pulled him in for a quick kiss that swiftly turned into a not-so-quick kiss._

Course everything went to hell then anyway, that was our last real time together before we faced Sephiroth "in the bowel of the earth" or whatever the hell Vincent called it.

We saw Cloud and Tifa having a "moment as we climbed aboard my ship but figured they had to find their reasons for staying.

Then what?We fought that son of a bitch (though Vincent wouldn't approve of me callin' her that) and won.I wish I could take more credit for it, but the real hero was Cloud.A fool kid with a big sword defeated the best general fucking Shinra ever had, course we had the Planet on our side, which helped some…

~ * ~

Cid's face went through lightning quick changes of expressions as the memories swept through his mind. Images of faces, sound clips of conversations, memories of feelings, of moments, of love.The memories lay fully intact in his mind, eager to be remembered.The whole kaleidoscope of memories took only a couple of seconds to re-emerge – all at once – overcrowding his mind for a brief second.

"Was it nothing for you?" The questing sounded panicked, strained, as if he was scared.

Vincent stopped and turned, not even pretending to misunderstand.

"It was _everything for me," he answered, oblivious to AVALANCHE's curious stares._

"Then where… why are you leaving me?" No one was used to hearing Cid sound like a lost little boy, but the whipped dog expression on his face, and the small, subdued voice leant greatly to this impression.

Vincent looked at him, genuine surprise on his face.Cid cringed inwardly, prepared for total rejection.Then thin arms embraced him and Vincent was gently kissing his forehead.

"I assumed that you were coming with me," he revealed, before stepping away and walking towards the door.

"Wha-? Fuck!" Cid was not at his most coherent.He couldn't believe Vincent had made such a _public show of affection._

"Woo-hoo!" Yuffie catcalled, "Go chief!"Her mocking tone had an almost admiring note to it though.It must have taken a lot to get Vincent to open up like that.

"How the fuck could you do that to me?"Cid yelled, covering embarrassment with anger.

"Are you coming?"Vincent asked, in lieu of answer.It was no good talking to Cid when he was abusive.He'd learnt that from Shera.

Cid looked taken aback."Of course I'm fucking coming!" he yelled, "I love your uptight, claustrophobic, vengeful, melancholy ass!"

Vincent actually laughed."And the rest of me?" he asked without turning around.Cid shook his head, then realised Vincent wasn't looking."That I could do without," he mock-sighed," but needs must…"

"We're all still here!"Yuffie protested, having made herself spokesperson, "We don't wanna hear this!"

Cait Sith gave his equivalent of a grin, "Speak for yourself," he protested.

Cid looked at them all, "Haven't any of you got fucking lives?" he asked, but didn't bother waiting for an answer.

"Wait up!" he protested, heading out after Vincent's retreating form, "I'm coming with you!"

~ THE END ~

**_~ Dedicated to Luci K. and coffee ~_**


End file.
